Jacaranda Tree Montessori

A Montessori playgroup in Amsterdam for babies, toddlers, preschoolers

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How I got sleep wrong first time around and what you can learn from my mistakes

How I got sleep wrong first time around and what you can learn from my mistakes

sleeping like a baby

In all this time working in Montessori education, there is one topic I have avoided writing about. You guessed it – sleep.

During my observations for my Montessori training and when I worked in a Montessori nursery, I observed a lot of children falling to sleep. Every child is so different. You have children who fight sleep, being super active right up to the moment they crash. And others who seemed to love sleeping.

Sleep seems to be such a personal decision: there is so much seemingly contradictory advice and a whole lot of tired parents out there doing their best. You have families who co-sleep and feed during the night; and others who have a schedule and the child sleeps in their own room.

I don’t think there is a right way for everyone. It’s just what’s right for you.

I struggled with sleep with my first child. So today I’ve decided to write for the first time about sleep and perhaps you can learn from all my mistakes. And what went better the second time around.

What went wrong

When my son was born, I read a lot of parenting books and thought that if I meet his needs, he should not need to cry. But as soon as I lay him in his bed, he would immediately start crying.

So I picked him up and for hours and hours I tried rocking him, singing to him, swaying with him, letting him suck on my finger, you name it I probably tried it. And when nothing else worked, I breastfed him to sleep. This often gave him tummy pains and we fell into a vicious circle where he couldn’t sleep, I’d feed him and he’d have another sore tummy. Then he’d be crying anyway, despite all my efforts.

Once I got him to sleep he wouldn’t sleep for long periods. He would wake at the end of every sleep cycle when he stirred, wondering why I wasn’t rocking, singing or swaying any more.

My son was dependent on me to sleep and I was like a sleep-starved zombie after just a few months.

In hindsight, it’s easy to see what went wrong. We all stir in our sleep and if your pillow has fallen off your bed, you wake up and look around for it. It’s the same for my son. He would get into light sleep, stir, and the conditions in which he fell asleep were no longer the same. I wasn’t there feeding him or swaying or my finger was gone.

And the big thing was I was trying to get him to sleep. It’s not really something you can do for someone else, if you know what I mean.

Let’s see what I tried second time around with my daughter.

What went right

I was determined not to make the same mistake with my daughter and had the wisdom of having been through it once before. So this is what I did second time around.

1. Sleeping is not different from any other part of parenting

What I realise now is that I feel most comfortable as my children’s guide, not their boss (or their servant). As I say, give your child just-as-much-help-as-they-need.

The same applies for sleep. I wanted to give my daughter just as much help as she needed, without her becoming dependent on me, or expecting her to do it completely by herself.

2. Babies and toddlers love routines

From the time she was born, I gave her a regular routine with a loose schedule so she learned what would be coming next.

As a newborn, she would feed, then “play”, then sleep. It was always the same but not on a fixed 3 or 4 hour feeding schedule, just as it happened. Once she was a few months old and wasn’t waking from her naps hungry, I added another play on waking, then feed, play, sleep.

By having a regular routine, I didn’t think, “Maybe she isn’t tired” when she didn’t settle and try to feed her again.

Instead, when she was unsettled, I would put her in a baby carrier on my front facing my chest and give her a rest there for her nap-time, say for an hour. Most of the time, she would fall asleep there in any case. Otherwise, she would keep mostly quiet and have a rest, feeling secure close to me. Then we would pick up with the next feed at the end of her rest.

Our night-time routine was also always the same: bath, massage, read books, cuddle and say good night. Things happened in the same order around the same time each day, but a little flexible too. Other than the baby massage, we kept the same night-time routine for years.

3. Provide a consistent place to sleep

Her favourite place to sleep was in her bed at home in a dark room, so we tried to be home for most of her nap times. I felt like a protector of her sleep and would arrange our activities around sleep times.

4. Observe her

After I fed Emma, she spent most of her play time on a movement mat with one or two toys. I would talk to her and give her a commentary on what her brother and I were doing.

As she was on the mat, I could observe her closely to see when she was getting tired. As a young baby, she would rub her eyes and get jerky movements. As she became a toddler, she would get very cuddly as she got tired, yawned a lot, and you could find her holding onto your leg (or even the curtains!).

5. Re-establishing sleeping habits after sickness, travel and teething

It’s easy to let good sleeping habits slip when your child is sick, you are travelling or they are teething. During these times, there could be wakeful nights and irregular sleep times. But it didn’t take more than a night or two to guide her back to our regular routine once she was well again. And we managed to avoid most sleep regression problems.

6. Sharing a room has ups and downs

My kids shared a room until they were teenagers. The positive side is that they had company when they went to bed. The downside is that if one of them woke early, they were usually both awake.

We had clear rules about turning off the light at an agreed time. And they could get up and play once they were awake. Sometimes we were lucky and the other one would keep sleeping. As they got older, this turned out to be an advantage as they could play together while I’d keep sleeping for a bit longer!

7. Reading to sleep

Before she was one, I started offering her a book to read while she rested. It was a nice way for her to rest without feeling as if she was being forced to sleep. And I would often come in to find her asleep with her book open on her chest.

8. No such thing as sleeping bags

Back in the day, there was no such thing as sleeping bags for babies. I’m kind of grateful that 12 years ago, sleeping bags weren’t used as they are today. Whilst they keep a child warm, the child loses a lot of freedom of movement while they sleep. And independence on waking. It may not be an issue for you, but one I didn’t have to face as sleeping bags just weren’t so available.

And that’s really it. I never resorted to feeding her to sleep, rocking her and the like.

None of this sounds ground-breaking I’m afraid. I didn’t want her to be dependent on me, and I didn’t want her to cry it out on her own. I stepped in just enough for her to get to sleep. And she is still a great sleeper.

Final thoughts

With my son, I made the mistake of trying so many different things to get him to sleep. We have a tendency to try everything at once, or change our minds, and nothing seems to work.

Instead, when you reach the point where you are too tired and you are ready to make a change, this is what I’d suggest:

1. Tell your child the day before that things are not working and that this is how things are going to go from tomorrow.

2. Stick with something for at least a week and write down on the fridge how things are going so you have an objective record.

3. Give your child just as much help as they need. This might be sitting next to them while you read without engaging with them. This might be moving your chair to the door. This might be sitting outside their room while they fall asleep. Or perhaps popping in to keep reassuring them. Whatever works for you.

4. Speak positively about sleep – rather than saying “It’s time to sleep” or “You have to sleep now” or “I need you to sleep”, you could try “Yay, we get to have a rest now”. I know that’s what I think about getting into bed every night. I love sleep….

So was I right or wrong to avoid writing about sleep for this long. Let me know if this article has been useful!

PS There is a great article here about 3 different babies and what you can learn from their sleep.

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My child is being so clingy

My child is being so clingy

my child is so clingy

Parent question: “My child is so clingy. They don’t want to play by themselves. They won’t let me leave the room, even to use the toilet. And yet the more space I want, the more clingy they get! What should I do?”

Clingy children are super difficult – it’s so tiring to have someone hanging off you all day, and you just want a break.

But I understand it from the child’s perspective too – there can be many reasons why they are clingy:

* The child’s temperament – some kids are less social and prefer the safety of their parent’s company. This can be very challenging if the parent has an outgoing personality.

* After a trip/change in routine/sickness/change in work situation/new child care – these big changes can make the child wary. They have a strong need for re-establishing safety and may need some time until they feel secure again.

* Sometimes they are clingy when you would like to give your attention somewhere else, e.g., you want to cook dinner or make a phone call

* And sometimes it’s when our attention is on our mobile phone (checking Facebook!)

So as you can see, sometimes it is because they need to build some skills in independence; other times the child needs first to feel safe; sometimes it is to do with getting your attention; and often they need a lot of empathy.

What’s normal?

Of course I value independence. But I think it’s not exactly reasonable to think that young children will play by themselves for hours. And I think it’s important to just be with your kids and enjoy time together too.

It just needs some work if your child is constantly attached to your leg or wanting to be picked up all the time.

So let’s run through a few ideas that can help in these areas.

1. Understand your child

1. An introverted child may find groups overwhelming. They may need to stay with you at first, or you may want to make your visit shorter to accommodate your child’s needs too.

2. Listen to your child – instead of saying, “don’t worry, it will be ok”, you can provide understanding, “is it that you feel scared with all these people?” or “are you worried you might not be able to find me?” etc. This doesn’t mean you have to solve the problem, just let them know you understand.

3. Fill their emotional bucket – starting the day with a long cuddle and reading books can fill your child’s emotional tank before the day gets busy. This can make them less clingy. And when my children start to get whiney, I do the opposite of what I’m thinking and offer them a cuddle instead.

“Don’t forget to only stop hugging when they pull away – sometimes they hug for longer than you expect”

4. Your child’s “language of love” may be touch. This child will enjoy a lot of contact with you to feel loved. For me, I can find this challenging to put aside my need for space, and to give lots (and lots) of hugs when my children need them.

2. Make them feel safe

1. If you are going somewhere new, give them a little tour when you arrive so they feel orientated.

2. Always tell them where you are going rather than sneaking out. Even a baby lying on a mat will appreciate you saying, “I’m just going to the toilet. I’ll be back in 2 minutes.” This may make your child cry, but in the longer term it develops trust between you.

3. It can help to arrive just a little early to parties or group activities. It can be daunting for some children to walk into a room already full of busy children.

4. It can be helpful to get them used to being cared for by your partner, your family and close friends so that you are able to share bed-times, meal-times and bath-times. At first there may be resistance from your child: acknowledge their feelings, but let someone else share the load.

3. Building the child’s independence

1. Set up your home so your child can do more for themselves – e.g., having dishes down low to help themselves, have cleaning supplies at hand, allow them time to have success trying to dress themselves.

2. Ask them for help – for example, “can you fetch my shoes for me?” or “do you know where the brush is?”

3. Show them how, and ask if they would like a turn – never force them if they are not interested.

4. Your child may say “Mummy do it” – give as much help as they need and step back to see if they can manage the rest themselves. I’d stay close at first so they still feel safe and secure.

4. Help them play alone for periods

1. If your child doesn’t like to play by themselves – first play together, then after around 15 minutes you could try to play a little less and watch more, comment more, e.g., give a running commentary instead. Then the next step (maybe another day) move back about 30cm to give them some space. Then begin increasing the space to watch from 1m or 2m. Then maybe from the couch etc.

2. Another option is to give them undivided playing time and then after around 15 minutes you could tell them you are just popping into the kitchen to put the kettle on/put on washing etc. Come straight back. Then pop out again to make the cup of tea/do another little job etc and come straight back.

This gets them used to you going away and coming back.

3. Sometimes they will want to join you. And that’s ok too. Just make it a bit boring ;).

An example, you arrive at a party and everyone else’s children are playing, the parents are chatting, and your child is refusing to be put down. I would explain that I’m going to chat to the parents now. They are welcome to stay with me, it might be a bit boring, and they are welcome to join the other children whenever they like.

5. Do it together

1. And to contradict point 4 above entirely, let them help you! It is actually a lovely way to be together, to include your child as you do things around the house.

Some examples:

* use a stepladder so they can help in the kitchen

* let them press the buttons on the washing machine

* give them the socks to make into pairs while you do laundry etc.

6. You

1. Being a parent, you give so much to your child that it’s important for you to recharge too. Arrange to have a break – perhaps your partner, your family, a babysitter or a friend can look after your child/ren. It is very difficult to be there to fill your child’s emotional tank if yours is empty.

2. It’s ok to tell your child that you are going to do something for yourself, for example, to do exercise, to have a cup of tea, to meet a friend. If you don’t take care of yourself, there will be no-one to look after the family. They may whine. And you can give them empathy, whilst continuing to take care of your needs.

3. Put your technology down – during the day, in our house we avoided tv and these days I think that mobile phones and iPads would be worth keeping out of reach while kids are awake. Children seek our attention even more when we are tuned out. And I promise, you won’t regret having spent more time with your kids.

4. Teach your children to interrupt politely – if you are in conversation, on the phone, or in the shops, you can expect your child to wait. My children’s first Montessori teacher taught the children to put their hand on her shoulder to let them know they needed help. She explained to them that when their hand was on their shoulder, she knew they had something important to tell her, and she would get to them as soon as she could. It works too.

The analogy of a flower

So, to end, I love the analogy of the parent being the centre of your child’s flower – your child will make small excursions first crawling to the other side of the room and coming back; and then off to school and coming back; and then cycling themselves to high school and coming back to check in with you.

If they are clingy, they just will need a little bit of a nudge to explore, and then they’ll be back again soon to check in with you. Even though my children are now teenagers, I still find it important to be there for them when they need their emotional bucket to be re-filled, before they go off to explore again.

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A warm and cosy December

December already! Bring on the cold weather so we can enjoy snuggling up inside with hot drinks, baking and crafting with the kids, and enjoying some twinkling lights on these long dark evenings.

News from the classroom

We’ve been celebrating Sinterklaas in class these last weeks. We baked pepernoten together (recipe below), I added some Sint gluing activities to the craft area, and we all enjoyed singing lots of Sinterklaas songs at circle time.

Sinterklaas - knutselen met dreumes, een stoomboot maken

Pepernoten
It’s never too late to bake pepernoten even if Sinterklaas is now heading back to Spain on his steam boat. So for those of you who would like to try it at home, here is the recipe.

150 g (2/3 cup) butter
135 g (3/4 cup) brown sugar
10 g (2 teaspoons) ’speculaas spices’
250 g (1 1/4 cup) self raising flour
a pinch of salt
4 tbsp milk

Preheat oven to 160 °C (320 °F). Cut cold butter in little chunks and knead through sugar, speculaas spices, salt and self raising flour. Add the milk bit by bit until the dough is smooth and supple. Start making little balls (a bit smaller than a marble). Your kids can help with this: if you give them little pieces of the dough, they will love making the little balls! Line the little balls up on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper and flatten them slightly with your thumb (I make two batches). Bake for about 15 minutes until light brown.

Getting ready for Christmas
We have our little Christmas tree ready in the classroom – it’s about 30cm tall and sits on a table where the children enjoy hanging wooden ornaments. I like how the children like to place lots and lots in one place!

A Montessori Christmas tree

Next week we’ll be adding some festive craft into the mix too. Will be fun.

School holidays
We have one more week of classes before the school holidays commence. Please note the last class before the holiday break will be Friday 19 December. Classes will restart from Monday 5 January.

My new project – The Montessori Notebook

Did you see my news last week? I have just launched a new idea to the world, The Montessori Notebook – where you’ll be able to find all my notes, ideas, and e-courses about the Montessori approach.

I want to help you all bring Montessori into your daily life. Give you ways to better understand your kids. Practical tips you can use at home. Answers to your questions. And in early 2015, I’ll be giving my workshops online so you can follow along at home, wherever you are in the world. I can’t wait to meet you all over there.

Very soon there will also be a website and e-newsletter too.

So if you haven’t already, I would love for you to come over and follow along! The link to the Facebook page is here: http://www.facebook.com/themontessorinotebook.

And, don’t worry, Jacaranda Tree Montessori is not going anywhere. This new idea will just help me to reach more people. I am so excited!

Upcoming workshop

Hey hey hey! It’s this Saturday. Yes, our Festive Craft Extravaganza is nearly here. The morning session is completely booked out, but we have a couple of spaces in the afternoon session from 3pm to 4:30pm if you would still like to join us. Follow the registration link here: http://www.jacarandatreemontessori.nl/shop/festive-craft-extravaganza-afternoon/.

We are going to be decorating cookies and making beautiful decorations for your house. Plus you can make wrapping paper, take some fun festive photos, and of course there will be singing too! Looking forward to it.

Christmas cookies

Getting ready for a Montessori Christmas

1. Blog post
I had a plan. I was going to get all my Christmas shopping done by 30 November. Wrapped and ready to go. And a homemade advent calendar. You can read the blog post here: http://www.jacarandatreemontessori.nl/2014/11/13/getting-ready-montessori-christmas/. There are also lots of Montessori gift ideas too if you are still looking for ideas.

Well the plan was good, has been moderately successful, but better than last year in any case. A box of presents has been shipped off to my nieces and nephews in Australia, most of the Christmas shopping is done or ordered online. But wrapped and ready it aint. There’s always next year!

2. More Montessori Christmas ideas
And if you are looking for some activities to set up in the home, you should check out “A Merry Montessori Christmas” by Aubrey Hargis. Aubrey is a fellow Montessori blogger and has put together over 20 Montessori Christmas activities. You’ll see she even has a version of decorating a small Christmas tree, just like we do each year in our classroom :). It’s US$4,99 to download – I am not an affiliate but just think it is a fun selection of activities for kids from 2 to 6 years old.

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Guest blog post

And if you still have time for one more thing, I’m very honoured to have my blog post about visiting museums with young children featured on The Montessori Bloggers Network. If you missed it before, it’s got lots of fun ideas for making trips to museums interesting for your kids. Follow the link here: http://montessoribloggersnetwork.com/making-museum-trips-fun-young-children/. Yes, that is a cute photo of my kids at the Art Gallery in Sydney aged nearly 2 years and the other just a few months old. I love that shot.

visiting museum with young children
I’ll see many of you in class this week and next. But as this is the last post of the year, I’m sending you all much love for the festive season and look forward to catching up in 2015. Miss you already!

I’m looking forward to a cosy break in Amsterdam. I’ve a list of festive things I want to do like visiting Intratuin to see the Christmas displays, snuggling up with my kids, drinking lots of hot chocolate, and baking lots of cookies!

Have yourselves a great one…