Jacaranda Tree Montessori

A Montessori playgroup in Amsterdam for babies, toddlers, preschoolers

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How I got sleep wrong first time around and what you can learn from my mistakes

How I got sleep wrong first time around and what you can learn from my mistakes

sleeping like a baby

In all this time working in Montessori education, there is one topic I have avoided writing about. You guessed it – sleep.

During my observations for my Montessori training and when I worked in a Montessori nursery, I observed a lot of children falling to sleep. Every child is so different. You have children who fight sleep, being super active right up to the moment they crash. And others who seemed to love sleeping.

Sleep seems to be such a personal decision: there is so much seemingly contradictory advice and a whole lot of tired parents out there doing their best. You have families who co-sleep and feed during the night; and others who have a schedule and the child sleeps in their own room.

I don’t think there is a right way for everyone. It’s just what’s right for you.

I struggled with sleep with my first child. So today I’ve decided to write for the first time about sleep and perhaps you can learn from all my mistakes. And what went better the second time around.

What went wrong

When my son was born, I read a lot of parenting books and thought that if I meet his needs, he should not need to cry. But as soon as I lay him in his bed, he would immediately start crying.

So I picked him up and for hours and hours I tried rocking him, singing to him, swaying with him, letting him suck on my finger, you name it I probably tried it. And when nothing else worked, I breastfed him to sleep. This often gave him tummy pains and we fell into a vicious circle where he couldn’t sleep, I’d feed him and he’d have another sore tummy. Then he’d be crying anyway, despite all my efforts.

Once I got him to sleep he wouldn’t sleep for long periods. He would wake at the end of every sleep cycle when he stirred, wondering why I wasn’t rocking, singing or swaying any more.

My son was dependent on me to sleep and I was like a sleep-starved zombie after just a few months.

In hindsight, it’s easy to see what went wrong. We all stir in our sleep and if your pillow has fallen off your bed, you wake up and look around for it. It’s the same for my son. He would get into light sleep, stir, and the conditions in which he fell asleep were no longer the same. I wasn’t there feeding him or swaying or my finger was gone.

And the big thing was I was trying to get him to sleep. It’s not really something you can do for someone else, if you know what I mean.

Let’s see what I tried second time around with my daughter.

What went right

I was determined not to make the same mistake with my daughter and had the wisdom of having been through it once before. So this is what I did second time around.

1. Sleeping is not different from any other part of parenting

What I realise now is that I feel most comfortable as my children’s guide, not their boss (or their servant). As I say, give your child just-as-much-help-as-they-need.

The same applies for sleep. I wanted to give my daughter just as much help as she needed, without her becoming dependent on me, or expecting her to do it completely by herself.

2. Babies and toddlers love routines

From the time she was born, I gave her a regular routine with a loose schedule so she learned what would be coming next.

As a newborn, she would feed, then “play”, then sleep. It was always the same but not on a fixed 3 or 4 hour feeding schedule, just as it happened. Once she was a few months old and wasn’t waking from her naps hungry, I added another play on waking, then feed, play, sleep.

By having a regular routine, I didn’t think, “Maybe she isn’t tired” when she didn’t settle and try to feed her again.

Instead, when she was unsettled, I would put her in a baby carrier on my front facing my chest and give her a rest there for her nap-time, say for an hour. Most of the time, she would fall asleep there in any case. Otherwise, she would keep mostly quiet and have a rest, feeling secure close to me. Then we would pick up with the next feed at the end of her rest.

Our night-time routine was also always the same: bath, massage, read books, cuddle and say good night. Things happened in the same order around the same time each day, but a little flexible too. Other than the baby massage, we kept the same night-time routine for years.

3. Provide a consistent place to sleep

Her favourite place to sleep was in her bed at home in a dark room, so we tried to be home for most of her nap times. I felt like a protector of her sleep and would arrange our activities around sleep times.

4. Observe her

After I fed Emma, she spent most of her play time on a movement mat with one or two toys. I would talk to her and give her a commentary on what her brother and I were doing.

As she was on the mat, I could observe her closely to see when she was getting tired. As a young baby, she would rub her eyes and get jerky movements. As she became a toddler, she would get very cuddly as she got tired, yawned a lot, and you could find her holding onto your leg (or even the curtains!).

5. Re-establishing sleeping habits after sickness, travel and teething

It’s easy to let good sleeping habits slip when your child is sick, you are travelling or they are teething. During these times, there could be wakeful nights and irregular sleep times. But it didn’t take more than a night or two to guide her back to our regular routine once she was well again. And we managed to avoid most sleep regression problems.

6. Sharing a room has ups and downs

My kids shared a room until they were teenagers. The positive side is that they had company when they went to bed. The downside is that if one of them woke early, they were usually both awake.

We had clear rules about turning off the light at an agreed time. And they could get up and play once they were awake. Sometimes we were lucky and the other one would keep sleeping. As they got older, this turned out to be an advantage as they could play together while I’d keep sleeping for a bit longer!

7. Reading to sleep

Before she was one, I started offering her a book to read while she rested. It was a nice way for her to rest without feeling as if she was being forced to sleep. And I would often come in to find her asleep with her book open on her chest.

8. No such thing as sleeping bags

Back in the day, there was no such thing as sleeping bags for babies. I’m kind of grateful that 12 years ago, sleeping bags weren’t used as they are today. Whilst they keep a child warm, the child loses a lot of freedom of movement while they sleep. And independence on waking. It may not be an issue for you, but one I didn’t have to face as sleeping bags just weren’t so available.

And that’s really it. I never resorted to feeding her to sleep, rocking her and the like.

None of this sounds ground-breaking I’m afraid. I didn’t want her to be dependent on me, and I didn’t want her to cry it out on her own. I stepped in just enough for her to get to sleep. And she is still a great sleeper.

Final thoughts

With my son, I made the mistake of trying so many different things to get him to sleep. We have a tendency to try everything at once, or change our minds, and nothing seems to work.

Instead, when you reach the point where you are too tired and you are ready to make a change, this is what I’d suggest:

1. Tell your child the day before that things are not working and that this is how things are going to go from tomorrow.

2. Stick with something for at least a week and write down on the fridge how things are going so you have an objective record.

3. Give your child just as much help as they need. This might be sitting next to them while you read without engaging with them. This might be moving your chair to the door. This might be sitting outside their room while they fall asleep. Or perhaps popping in to keep reassuring them. Whatever works for you.

4. Speak positively about sleep – rather than saying “It’s time to sleep” or “You have to sleep now” or “I need you to sleep”, you could try “Yay, we get to have a rest now”. I know that’s what I think about getting into bed every night. I love sleep….

So was I right or wrong to avoid writing about sleep for this long. Let me know if this article has been useful!

PS There is a great article here about 3 different babies and what you can learn from their sleep.

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My child is being so clingy

My child is being so clingy

my child is so clingy

Parent question: “My child is so clingy. They don’t want to play by themselves. They won’t let me leave the room, even to use the toilet. And yet the more space I want, the more clingy they get! What should I do?”

Clingy children are super difficult – it’s so tiring to have someone hanging off you all day, and you just want a break.

But I understand it from the child’s perspective too – there can be many reasons why they are clingy:

* The child’s temperament – some kids are less social and prefer the safety of their parent’s company. This can be very challenging if the parent has an outgoing personality.

* After a trip/change in routine/sickness/change in work situation/new child care – these big changes can make the child wary. They have a strong need for re-establishing safety and may need some time until they feel secure again.

* Sometimes they are clingy when you would like to give your attention somewhere else, e.g., you want to cook dinner or make a phone call

* And sometimes it’s when our attention is on our mobile phone (checking Facebook!)

So as you can see, sometimes it is because they need to build some skills in independence; other times the child needs first to feel safe; sometimes it is to do with getting your attention; and often they need a lot of empathy.

What’s normal?

Of course I value independence. But I think it’s not exactly reasonable to think that young children will play by themselves for hours. And I think it’s important to just be with your kids and enjoy time together too.

It just needs some work if your child is constantly attached to your leg or wanting to be picked up all the time.

So let’s run through a few ideas that can help in these areas.

1. Understand your child

1. An introverted child may find groups overwhelming. They may need to stay with you at first, or you may want to make your visit shorter to accommodate your child’s needs too.

2. Listen to your child – instead of saying, “don’t worry, it will be ok”, you can provide understanding, “is it that you feel scared with all these people?” or “are you worried you might not be able to find me?” etc. This doesn’t mean you have to solve the problem, just let them know you understand.

3. Fill their emotional bucket – starting the day with a long cuddle and reading books can fill your child’s emotional tank before the day gets busy. This can make them less clingy. And when my children start to get whiney, I do the opposite of what I’m thinking and offer them a cuddle instead.

“Don’t forget to only stop hugging when they pull away – sometimes they hug for longer than you expect”

4. Your child’s “language of love” may be touch. This child will enjoy a lot of contact with you to feel loved. For me, I can find this challenging to put aside my need for space, and to give lots (and lots) of hugs when my children need them.

2. Make them feel safe

1. If you are going somewhere new, give them a little tour when you arrive so they feel orientated.

2. Always tell them where you are going rather than sneaking out. Even a baby lying on a mat will appreciate you saying, “I’m just going to the toilet. I’ll be back in 2 minutes.” This may make your child cry, but in the longer term it develops trust between you.

3. It can help to arrive just a little early to parties or group activities. It can be daunting for some children to walk into a room already full of busy children.

4. It can be helpful to get them used to being cared for by your partner, your family and close friends so that you are able to share bed-times, meal-times and bath-times. At first there may be resistance from your child: acknowledge their feelings, but let someone else share the load.

3. Building the child’s independence

1. Set up your home so your child can do more for themselves – e.g., having dishes down low to help themselves, have cleaning supplies at hand, allow them time to have success trying to dress themselves.

2. Ask them for help – for example, “can you fetch my shoes for me?” or “do you know where the brush is?”

3. Show them how, and ask if they would like a turn – never force them if they are not interested.

4. Your child may say “Mummy do it” – give as much help as they need and step back to see if they can manage the rest themselves. I’d stay close at first so they still feel safe and secure.

4. Help them play alone for periods

1. If your child doesn’t like to play by themselves – first play together, then after around 15 minutes you could try to play a little less and watch more, comment more, e.g., give a running commentary instead. Then the next step (maybe another day) move back about 30cm to give them some space. Then begin increasing the space to watch from 1m or 2m. Then maybe from the couch etc.

2. Another option is to give them undivided playing time and then after around 15 minutes you could tell them you are just popping into the kitchen to put the kettle on/put on washing etc. Come straight back. Then pop out again to make the cup of tea/do another little job etc and come straight back.

This gets them used to you going away and coming back.

3. Sometimes they will want to join you. And that’s ok too. Just make it a bit boring ;).

An example, you arrive at a party and everyone else’s children are playing, the parents are chatting, and your child is refusing to be put down. I would explain that I’m going to chat to the parents now. They are welcome to stay with me, it might be a bit boring, and they are welcome to join the other children whenever they like.

5. Do it together

1. And to contradict point 4 above entirely, let them help you! It is actually a lovely way to be together, to include your child as you do things around the house.

Some examples:

* use a stepladder so they can help in the kitchen

* let them press the buttons on the washing machine

* give them the socks to make into pairs while you do laundry etc.

6. You

1. Being a parent, you give so much to your child that it’s important for you to recharge too. Arrange to have a break – perhaps your partner, your family, a babysitter or a friend can look after your child/ren. It is very difficult to be there to fill your child’s emotional tank if yours is empty.

2. It’s ok to tell your child that you are going to do something for yourself, for example, to do exercise, to have a cup of tea, to meet a friend. If you don’t take care of yourself, there will be no-one to look after the family. They may whine. And you can give them empathy, whilst continuing to take care of your needs.

3. Put your technology down – during the day, in our house we avoided tv and these days I think that mobile phones and iPads would be worth keeping out of reach while kids are awake. Children seek our attention even more when we are tuned out. And I promise, you won’t regret having spent more time with your kids.

4. Teach your children to interrupt politely – if you are in conversation, on the phone, or in the shops, you can expect your child to wait. My children’s first Montessori teacher taught the children to put their hand on her shoulder to let them know they needed help. She explained to them that when their hand was on their shoulder, she knew they had something important to tell her, and she would get to them as soon as she could. It works too.

The analogy of a flower

So, to end, I love the analogy of the parent being the centre of your child’s flower – your child will make small excursions first crawling to the other side of the room and coming back; and then off to school and coming back; and then cycling themselves to high school and coming back to check in with you.

If they are clingy, they just will need a little bit of a nudge to explore, and then they’ll be back again soon to check in with you. Even though my children are now teenagers, I still find it important to be there for them when they need their emotional bucket to be re-filled, before they go off to explore again.

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A Montessori approach to getting rid of a pacifier or dummy

A Montessori approach to getting rid of a pacifier or dummy

A Montessori approach to getting rid of the pacifier or dummy

Ok. I confess that there is no Montessori approach to getting rid of a pacifier or dummy. But you are probably reading this because your child does use a pacifier. And you are wanting to get rid of it in a Montessori way: in a way that is respectful to your child, done with love, but that also means that the pacifier will be gone.

Why no pacifier?

In my Montessori training, we learned that babies should ideally not use a pacifier. So if you haven’t started using one, then this is something to consider.

A pacifier can be used to give the parent some quiet, when the child is actually trying to communicate their needs. A pacifier can be used in place of parental care, perhaps rocking and holding your child, if they are distressed. And a pacifier can prevent a child from talking once a pacifier is used throughout the day and not just kept for bed time.

So why use a pacifier?

But all this fails to acknowledge that some parents choose to use pacifiers. Perhaps your baby likes to suck a lot. Perhaps you feel limited being a human pacifier (via the breast or by offering a finger for your baby to suck on). Or perhaps you went on a trip or the baby got sick and they started using it a lot for comfort.

So I’m going to be realistic and instead offer my best advice for getting rid of a pacifier or dummy in a Montessori way. In a way that gives your child what they need, while looking out for opportunities to help your child grow.

When to get rid of a pacifier?

There is no definitive answer as to when to get rid of a pacifier. The earlier you get rid of the pacifier, the easier it will be as the baby will not be as dependent on it.

By two years, the child can get quite attached to a pacifier and can even start to see it as part of themselves. It started being used just for bed time but use has increased during the day too.

So ideally it would be best to get rid of the pacifier in the first 12 or 18 months.

How to get rid of a pacifier?

Step 1
If your child is using the pacifier during the day for comfort, it is a good idea to begin limiting it to just bed time.

Some tips
1. When your child wakes, put the dummy into a box that is kept on a high shelf in the bedroom. This will help both you and your child avoid using it to get through difficult moments in the day.

2. If they ask for it, you can tell them that the pacifier is used for bedtime. Offer a cuddle instead, or see below for other ideas how you can help them relax their nervous system.

3. Notice the times of day your child asks for their pacifier, for example, at story time or when they are upset, and offer an alternative instead. For example, at story time they might get a soft toy or book to hug tight instead. When they are upset, we can offer them a cuddle, we can sing a song together, or look out a window to see what is going on.

Step 2
Get rid of pacifiers completely from the house. Your child will need extra cuddles for a few days or a week, depending on the child. And it is nice to provide alternatives to the child to help them get the release their nervous system needs (see below).

Some ideas
1. Some people pass on the pacifiers to a family with a new baby, “Let’s give our pacifiers to baby Christopher. He needs them now.”
2. Some people post them off to a child who needs them.
3. I’ve heard some people make a small incision in the top of the dummy so it doesn’t feel nice any more. Then you can explain it’s broken and dispose of it in the bin!
4. The funniest I’ve heard of was to put them on a train…I guess if you had a vehicle loving kid, this would probably appeal.

Helping the nervous system to relax
Sucking on a pacifier is often so attractive because it helps the child to relax their nervous system. It is a good idea to work the mouth in other ways or to try these other sensory integration activities various times during the day:

1. Sucking yogurt through a straw
2. Blowing bubbles
3. Holding tight onto a book or soft toy
4. Using a bottle with a straw (change from using bottle teats which keep the sucking reflex strong)
5. Blowing water through a straw to make bubbles
6. Towel rub (brisk) after bath
7. Deep pressure bear hugs
8. Kneading dough
9. Squeezing bath toys
10. Slow and firm back rub

Stick at the change for at least 7 days
It can be easy to try for a couple of days and think that it isn’t working. But actually the first days are the hardest bit. Mark off the days in a place that’s easy to see like your calendar.

I hope these tips help you to get rid of the pacifier. Saying goodbye to your child’s pacifier will mean they are ready for new things.

Good luck! If you have any questions, feel free to email me or post a question on our Facebook page.