Jacaranda Tree Montessori

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5 January, 2015 By Simone Davies

My child is being so clingy

My child is being so clingy

my child is so clingy

Parent question: “My child is so clingy. They don’t want to play by themselves. They won’t let me leave the room, even to use the toilet. And yet the more space I want, the more clingy they get! What should I do?”

Clingy children are super difficult – it’s so tiring to have someone hanging off you all day, and you just want a break.

But I understand it from the child’s perspective too – there can be many reasons why they are clingy:

* The child’s temperament – some kids are less social and prefer the safety of their parent’s company. This can be very challenging if the parent has an outgoing personality.

* After a trip/change in routine/sickness/change in work situation/new child care – these big changes can make the child wary. They have a strong need for re-establishing safety and may need some time until they feel secure again.

* Sometimes they are clingy when you would like to give your attention somewhere else, e.g., you want to cook dinner or make a phone call

* And sometimes it’s when our attention is on our mobile phone (checking Facebook!)

So as you can see, sometimes it is because they need to build some skills in independence; other times the child needs first to feel safe; sometimes it is to do with getting your attention; and often they need a lot of empathy.

What’s normal?

Of course I value independence. But I think it’s not exactly reasonable to think that young children will play by themselves for hours. And I think it’s important to just be with your kids and enjoy time together too.

It just needs some work if your child is constantly attached to your leg or wanting to be picked up all the time.

So let’s run through a few ideas that can help in these areas.

1. Understand your child

1. An introverted child may find groups overwhelming. They may need to stay with you at first, or you may want to make your visit shorter to accommodate your child’s needs too.

2. Listen to your child – instead of saying, “don’t worry, it will be ok”, you can provide understanding, “is it that you feel scared with all these people?” or “are you worried you might not be able to find me?” etc. This doesn’t mean you have to solve the problem, just let them know you understand.

3. Fill their emotional bucket – starting the day with a long cuddle and reading books can fill your child’s emotional tank before the day gets busy. This can make them less clingy. And when my children start to get whiney, I do the opposite of what I’m thinking and offer them a cuddle instead.

“Don’t forget to only stop hugging when they pull away – sometimes they hug for longer than you expect”

4. Your child’s “language of love” may be touch. This child will enjoy a lot of contact with you to feel loved. For me, I can find this challenging to put aside my need for space, and to give lots (and lots) of hugs when my children need them.

2. Make them feel safe

1. If you are going somewhere new, give them a little tour when you arrive so they feel orientated.

2. Always tell them where you are going rather than sneaking out. Even a baby lying on a mat will appreciate you saying, “I’m just going to the toilet. I’ll be back in 2 minutes.” This may make your child cry, but in the longer term it develops trust between you.

3. It can help to arrive just a little early to parties or group activities. It can be daunting for some children to walk into a room already full of busy children.

4. It can be helpful to get them used to being cared for by your partner, your family and close friends so that you are able to share bed-times, meal-times and bath-times. At first there may be resistance from your child: acknowledge their feelings, but let someone else share the load.

3. Building the child’s independence

1. Set up your home so your child can do more for themselves – e.g., having dishes down low to help themselves, have cleaning supplies at hand, allow them time to have success trying to dress themselves.

2. Ask them for help – for example, “can you fetch my shoes for me?” or “do you know where the brush is?”

3. Show them how, and ask if they would like a turn – never force them if they are not interested.

4. Your child may say “Mummy do it” – give as much help as they need and step back to see if they can manage the rest themselves. I’d stay close at first so they still feel safe and secure.

4. Help them play alone for periods

1. If your child doesn’t like to play by themselves – first play together, then after around 15 minutes you could try to play a little less and watch more, comment more, e.g., give a running commentary instead. Then the next step (maybe another day) move back about 30cm to give them some space. Then begin increasing the space to watch from 1m or 2m. Then maybe from the couch etc.

2. Another option is to give them undivided playing time and then after around 15 minutes you could tell them you are just popping into the kitchen to put the kettle on/put on washing etc. Come straight back. Then pop out again to make the cup of tea/do another little job etc and come straight back.

This gets them used to you going away and coming back.

3. Sometimes they will want to join you. And that’s ok too. Just make it a bit boring ;).

An example, you arrive at a party and everyone else’s children are playing, the parents are chatting, and your child is refusing to be put down. I would explain that I’m going to chat to the parents now. They are welcome to stay with me, it might be a bit boring, and they are welcome to join the other children whenever they like.

5. Do it together

1. And to contradict point 4 above entirely, let them help you! It is actually a lovely way to be together, to include your child as you do things around the house.

Some examples:

* use a stepladder so they can help in the kitchen

* let them press the buttons on the washing machine

* give them the socks to make into pairs while you do laundry etc.

6. You

1. Being a parent, you give so much to your child that it’s important for you to recharge too. Arrange to have a break – perhaps your partner, your family, a babysitter or a friend can look after your child/ren. It is very difficult to be there to fill your child’s emotional tank if yours is empty.

2. It’s ok to tell your child that you are going to do something for yourself, for example, to do exercise, to have a cup of tea, to meet a friend. If you don’t take care of yourself, there will be no-one to look after the family. They may whine. And you can give them empathy, whilst continuing to take care of your needs.

3. Put your technology down – during the day, in our house we avoided tv and these days I think that mobile phones and iPads would be worth keeping out of reach while kids are awake. Children seek our attention even more when we are tuned out. And I promise, you won’t regret having spent more time with your kids.

4. Teach your children to interrupt politely – if you are in conversation, on the phone, or in the shops, you can expect your child to wait. My children’s first Montessori teacher taught the children to put their hand on her shoulder to let them know they needed help. She explained to them that when their hand was on their shoulder, she knew they had something important to tell her, and she would get to them as soon as she could. It works too.

The analogy of a flower

So, to end, I love the analogy of the parent being the centre of your child’s flower – your child will make small excursions first crawling to the other side of the room and coming back; and then off to school and coming back; and then cycling themselves to high school and coming back to check in with you.

If they are clingy, they just will need a little bit of a nudge to explore, and then they’ll be back again soon to check in with you. Even though my children are now teenagers, I still find it important to be there for them when they need their emotional bucket to be re-filled, before they go off to explore again.

Filed Under: child's view, Montessori, Parenting Tagged With: Child development, child's view, daily life, mindful parenting, Parenting, Positive parenting

14 November, 2014 By Simone Davies

A Montessori approach to getting rid of a pacifier or dummy

A Montessori approach to getting rid of a pacifier or dummy

A Montessori approach to getting rid of the pacifier or dummy

Ok. I confess that there is no Montessori approach to getting rid of a pacifier or dummy. But you are probably reading this because your child does use a pacifier. And you are wanting to get rid of it in a Montessori way: in a way that is respectful to your child, done with love, but that also means that the pacifier will be gone.

Why no pacifier?

In my Montessori training, we learned that babies should ideally not use a pacifier. So if you haven’t started using one, then this is something to consider.

A pacifier can be used to give the parent some quiet, when the child is actually trying to communicate their needs. A pacifier can be used in place of parental care, perhaps rocking and holding your child, if they are distressed. And a pacifier can prevent a child from talking once a pacifier is used throughout the day and not just kept for bed time.

So why use a pacifier?

But all this fails to acknowledge that some parents choose to use pacifiers. Perhaps your baby likes to suck a lot. Perhaps you feel limited being a human pacifier (via the breast or by offering a finger for your baby to suck on). Or perhaps you went on a trip or the baby got sick and they started using it a lot for comfort.

So I’m going to be realistic and instead offer my best advice for getting rid of a pacifier or dummy in a Montessori way. In a way that gives your child what they need, while looking out for opportunities to help your child grow.

When to get rid of a pacifier?

There is no definitive answer as to when to get rid of a pacifier. The earlier you get rid of the pacifier, the easier it will be as the baby will not be as dependent on it.

By two years, the child can get quite attached to a pacifier and can even start to see it as part of themselves. It started being used just for bed time but use has increased during the day too.

So ideally it would be best to get rid of the pacifier in the first 12 or 18 months.

How to get rid of a pacifier?

Step 1
If your child is using the pacifier during the day for comfort, it is a good idea to begin limiting it to just bed time.

Some tips
1. When your child wakes, put the dummy into a box that is kept on a high shelf in the bedroom. This will help both you and your child avoid using it to get through difficult moments in the day.

2. If they ask for it, you can tell them that the pacifier is used for bedtime. Offer a cuddle instead, or see below for other ideas how you can help them relax their nervous system.

3. Notice the times of day your child asks for their pacifier, for example, at story time or when they are upset, and offer an alternative instead. For example, at story time they might get a soft toy or book to hug tight instead. When they are upset, we can offer them a cuddle, we can sing a song together, or look out a window to see what is going on.

Step 2
Get rid of pacifiers completely from the house. Your child will need extra cuddles for a few days or a week, depending on the child. And it is nice to provide alternatives to the child to help them get the release their nervous system needs (see below).

Some ideas
1. Some people pass on the pacifiers to a family with a new baby, “Let’s give our pacifiers to baby Christopher. He needs them now.”
2. Some people post them off to a child who needs them.
3. I’ve heard some people make a small incision in the top of the dummy so it doesn’t feel nice any more. Then you can explain it’s broken and dispose of it in the bin!
4. The funniest I’ve heard of was to put them on a train…I guess if you had a vehicle loving kid, this would probably appeal.

Helping the nervous system to relax
Sucking on a pacifier is often so attractive because it helps the child to relax their nervous system. It is a good idea to work the mouth in other ways or to try these other sensory integration activities various times during the day:

1. Sucking yogurt through a straw
2. Blowing bubbles
3. Holding tight onto a book or soft toy
4. Using a bottle with a straw (change from using bottle teats which keep the sucking reflex strong)
5. Blowing water through a straw to make bubbles
6. Towel rub (brisk) after bath
7. Deep pressure bear hugs
8. Kneading dough
9. Squeezing bath toys
10. Slow and firm back rub

Stick at the change for at least 7 days
It can be easy to try for a couple of days and think that it isn’t working. But actually the first days are the hardest bit. Mark off the days in a place that’s easy to see like your calendar.

I hope these tips help you to get rid of the pacifier. Saying goodbye to your child’s pacifier will mean they are ready for new things.

Good luck! If you have any questions, feel free to email me or post a question on our Facebook page.

Filed Under: Montessori, Parenting Tagged With: Child development, Pacifier

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The Montessori Toddler book, by Simone Davies


– NOW AVAILABLE IN AMAZON AND ANY BOOKSELLER –
* Learn to understand your toddler better
* Find alternatives to time out and help them become responsible humans
* Get rid of the chaos and set up cosy spaces at home
* Create beautiful Montessori activities for their age
* And more…
<<< MORE INFO HERE >>>

The Montessori Baby book, by Simone Davies and Junnifa Uzodike


– NOW AVAILABLE IN AMAZON AND ANY BOOKSELLER –

* Help you bring Montessori into your home from conception, birth and the first year
* Learn how to show your baby respect the Montessori way
* Set up your home for your baby with a lot less than you think
* See how capable your baby is and learn to follow their interests and timeline
* And more…
<<< MORE INFO HERE >>>

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